Relaxed Haired, Weaved & Wig Wearing Mothers: "You Are A Poor Example For Your Daughter"

Do you take care of your daughter(s) as well as you take care of yourself? If yes, then you are an awesome mother!

 

Who is there to judge you?

 

I thought it would be frowned upon if you as a mom were well groomed all the time, but your child looks neglected most of the time. Or if your lifestyle choices were not so healthy for their mental and physical growth...then I can see how the phrase, "bad example" would apply.

Over time and now more recently, I have been getting several to many emails from mothers about this topic.  Many of these mothers are getting bad mouthed or insulted for having relaxed hair, wear a hair weave or wig while their daughter(s) have natural hair.  I do have relaxed hair and my daughter has natural hair.  No big deal. Our hairs are healthy respectively and I don't see a "problem".  Really, I don't.  I honestly did not ever want to post anything about this topic, but felt maybe a person can benefit from it.

 

I too have been called a poor example as a mother, from people I personally know. I have gotten snide comments too. Back handed compliments: "You have pretty hair, but you should cut it all off and go natural for your daughter". And several social media outlets, I was told that I should not be giving hair advice to mothers with natural haired children.  But I still do and my lovely ladies benefit.

 

A while back, someone had questioned me about how I would have handled a situation if my daughter asked to be relaxed.  I went into a whole explanation about how I raise my daughter.  I sounded like I was being defensive to prove how well and how I plan on raising her. Thinking about it now, it was unnecessary to explain myself.  I was the idiot and sounded pathetic for doing that and giving this individual my time.

*Have my daughter asked for her hair to be relaxed?  Not yet and if she asks, I will ask her why.
 

*Has she asked for her hair to be STRAIGHTENED? Her answer to my "why" question: "I just want to see what it looks like straight."

I agree that hair can be an example for a young girl as far as grooming routine or styling choices. I also feel that it is okay for children to be curious with their question, you ask them why and go from there. Many say that when they ask for their hair to be straightened or relaxed, they have self-esteem challenges and it is our fault because of what we portray ourselves as. Huh? That is not the only ONE REASON why a young girl wants to have their hair straightened, weaved or relaxed.  It does not mean that the only reason why she asked is because she has identity challenges and that it is the fault of the mother.

What about outside exposure, influence and being around their peers that can trigger these thoughts and questions?

On another note, mothers who have decided to "transition" or "big chopped" to go natural, do it for different reasons that are relative to themselves.  I have heard reasons from them admiring their own daughter's hair, to them wanting to try something new.

But I do not feel that hair is the ONLY way to be a good example for a child...let us be a good example all around. Give your children the whole package.

 

How about these situations? 

• I received an email from a natural haired mother almost a year ago whose daughter asked to get her hair relaxed because she likes her friend's relaxed hair.
• An email from a mother who has very loose natural curls and her daughter has tightly coiled hair. Her daughter is upset that she doesn't have hair like hers.
• I read about a mother who is suffering from early balding and has to wear a wig, but her 13 year old daughter wants to wear one too.

So to my lovely mothers who have sent and been sending me messages in regards to this issue for over quite some time (although I did answer them)....pick your battles and keep being the awesome mother that you are.  Take care of your children, keep them well rounded and be a good positive role model the best way you know how.  Keep doing you.

And to the lovely mothers who want to give a side eye to a relaxed, weaved up or wig wearing mother, please stop. There is a way to give constructive criticism without cheap shots.  Divert those eyes to your beautiful children and be a positive example for them.
 

And what good example is one being if they are tearing another mother down because of her hair choices?  We have to do better ladies!

Thanks for reading, we'll chat soon!

Blow Drying The Hair Using The Tension Method

How I blow dry my hair, this video was recorded WEEKS & WEEKS ago. I was 8 weeks post at the time. Finally sat down and edited it. I don't like long videos and try to keep them under 6 minutes. This one is under 4 minutes long & straight to the point. Enjoy!

31 Weeks Post Relaxer - Transitioning Hair Regimen

31 Weeks Post Relaxer!  
This is not an easy hair journey at all !!!! 

Especially when you are transitioning to natural, relatively speaking.  Not only do I have to deal with my relaxed hair on my head, but also the several hair types/textures of my new growth.  So I have about 3 different hair textures/types of natural hair....and let us count the straight relaxed hair at the ends!

31 Weeks Post Relaxer

 

My hair journey has been a frustrating one.....from time to time.  I knew it was not going to be simple and easy.  I noticed that I experienced a lot more tangles with the RELAXED hair as my NATURAL hair grows longer. The areas that were the worst were the relaxed hair that was attached to the tighter natural hair strands.  I do have rough times with it.  I am not going to give you a fairy tale story on how perfect it is, because it is not.  But I have been managing so far with so much patience.

I definitely look forward to seeing what is in store for me when I do become fully natural.  I've been there and done that with my relaxed hair journey as I mentioned before and in video.  I am currently and still MBL (mid back length); the longest hair length I have ever been in my life.  The longest prior to that was APL (arm pit length) which was pre hair journey, pre-haircut in 2007.  I was going to try for WL (waist length) as I transition, but right now, I do not feel that there is a point.

As far as my new growth, when I comb through it with conditioner, it is absolutely a joy to deal with.  Goes through so smooth and....wow!!!  But when it comes to the relaxed hair at the ends, it tangles up so quickly.  Combing the new growth which has a spiral pattern to it will twirl as you comb, causing the straight hair attached to it to twirl simultaneously.  As a result, the relaxed hair latches onto the other straight relaxed hair.  Does that make sense? I do hope so...  But that is what I have experienced at times if I do not use enough conditioner to give it that "slip".  And it happens combing from the bottom up because all of the hair is not the same.  But with patience and due diligence, I manage well.

Hair shedding? Normal shedding for me.  I was shedding more about 16 weeks post.  But since, it has subsided a lot. 

Breakage? Some breakage, not much to be concerned with.  I have been keeping up with my protein treatments, deep condition and handled my hair with as much gentle care as possible.

Thinning? My relaxed hair looks thin when it is wet compared to the natural hair.  Looks like I am holding on to "thinning" hair when it is not really thin.

Edges? My edges looks good.  I keep them moisturized and I smooth them down with a scarf and hands as much as I can.  So much less use of a brush.  If I do use one, it is a very soft brush.

Hair Regimen?  I have pretty much kept the same hair care routine/regimen as I have always done when my hair was fully relaxed. 

* I part my hair in 6-8 sections. 
* I detangle with conditioner and oil.
* I wash in sections and in the shower as the hair is still in its' down position.
* I do protein treatments every 6 weeks using the ApHogee Protein treatment.  That is to avoid breakage at the demarcation line (where the relaxed and new growth meets).
* I have been clipping/trimming my ends each month.  A little less than half an inch, to avoid having split ends traveling up the hair shaft.
* I cowash more than I shampoo, same as I did before. 
* I keep my hair styles very basic, loose buns, sock buns, loose French Braids, or a simple ponytail pulled to the side or back. 
* I still moisturize!

With the exception of the hair relaxer being removed from my hair regimen, here are the minor changes.  Keep in mind that as I gain more natural hair, some things will change.  But so far, so good, I have been able to stay consistent with most of my products for now.  I moisturize my new growth and ends a little more than before and that seems to keep my hair feeling and looking healthy.

Some changes:

* I started doing the ACV (Apply Cider Vinegar) Rinse on my hair when I only see build up. The ACV rinse is a good way to clarify to remove product build up.  It is natural too. 

* And I also use Aloe Vera Gel to smooth my edges too.

* I have also been using the S-Curl "No Drip Activator" to spray my new growth.  It works beautifully and helps my natural hair "pop".  For me, it doesn't leave so much build up, which I actually expected at first, but I do not use a lot of it in the first place.

Here is the link to view my current regimen.  So far it has been working for me.
Transitioning Hair Regimen

Thanks so much for reading!

Determining Hair Length And Landmarks On Your Body

Where does your hair fall on the chart?

People have different body types, long and short torsos too. I have a shorter torso than the length of my legs and I am 5'4. Although I am mid back length (MBL) at the fullest part of my hair, I am almost grazing waist length (WL) at the same time.

Waist Length example:

For some one who is 6 feet tall, it may take longer for him/her to reach WL if we both started with bald heads and our hair grew at the same exact rate.

While we're on WL, not many people know where their waist is, and it is around the navel area all the way around. Because everyone is shaped differently, determining where the waist can be challenging. For example, I do have curves and there is about a 15 inch difference between my waist and hip area.  Before starting my hair journey, I always thought my waist was right above my hips...meaning it was around the bikini line.  I was totally wrong because it was actually higher.

Are You Really Bra Strap Length:

Being Bra Strap Length (BSL) seems to be an important landmark on your body. It's almost a mid point and a point where people feel if their hair is long or not. Either you're almost there or past it.

I know many of us vary in size when it comes to our lovely lady lumps (breasts). I have seen where women who are or claim bra strap length claim it improperly (in my opinion). Are you wearing the right bra? Is the bra fitting you properly?

• A person may have their bra sitting too low for their body and they are really BSL.
• A person may have their bra sitting too high for their body and they are not BSL.
• A person may ALSO have their bra on all wrong on their body and may be MBL...go figure?

See the difference?

Looking at People's Personalized Hair Journies:

Many of us on hair journies document our lengths by putting a chart together as we go along to see and share our personal progress. But that is relative to the person who put it together and so is mine:

• Don't look at someone else's hair length and expect to be at certain points they've reached at certain time lengths. (You will most likely disappoint yourself).

• Do you know where the different land marks fall on YOUR OWN body?  Consider your body shape and size; hair length landmarks will be relative to you.

• The average hair growth rate per month is about half an inch. This is AVERAGE. But some people will have a faster rate and others a slower rate like I do.

• What is your level of patience when it comes to meeting your own length goals?

Here's a video that my "boo thang" Traycee did on determing hair lengths which we also discussed recently and agreed on so many points: The Big Debate About Hair Lengths

What would you like to add?

Happy Growing and we'll chat soon!

Side note:
For health reasons first, get fitted for the right bra for the right support. And if you're length conscious, it will make a difference as to what you really are with your hair too.

What A Hair Journey! 2013 Update

It's been 6 long years - 3 bad set backs and all, but I'm here now.

I have been on my hair journey since late October 2007.

By now, you would have thought that I should have been waist length, or even hip length.  I thought so myself too when I first started my journey.  But I was so wrong!

I can not say that my hair journey was horrible.  It could have been worse than horrible.  I will say that my hair journey was normal except for the set backs I experienced.  And those set backs did set me back where I had to let go of the idea of having long hair for a while.

Let us remind ourselves again that it happens and we must learn to accept it, understand it and learn from it.

Here are the bad set backs I had during my hair journey.

I colored my hair (slightly bleached it and then put on a rinse). My hair started to slowly break off and it was so dry and brittle. Will I color my hair again? No, I will only do color rinses. I don't even want to think about doing henna....at least not yet.

• What did I do: I decided to focus on the health of my hair, clip my ends and while staying at bra strap length. This has been over the course of three years of being bra strap length, trying to get rid of the bleached/dyed hair completely.

I suffered from post partum hair shedding. I lost all of my edges and had a bad widow's peak. My shedded hair looked like tumble weeds on my bathroom floor. 

• What did I do: I did more cowashes, protein treatments, rubbed castor oil on my scalp and styled my hair that would last a whole week.  I was also afraid to comb or even touch my hair, but mostly used my fingers to comb and conditioner to detangle before a wash.  And of course, I kept taking my prenatal vitamins.

After I stopped taking contraceptives (birth control), I went through hair shedding again, this time it was all throughout my head, I did not lose much of my edges...this was just early this year.  It has stopped shedding excessively and is pretty much back to normal again. (Side note: Contraceptive alters your hormones, so when you stop taking them, your body is trying to readjust to it's normal natural state. No baby plans here, I'm getting older and contraceptives does not agree with my body anymore.)

• What did I do: I deep conditioned, cowashed, protein treatments and massaged my scalp with castor oil at times.  And since I do not like my hair down during the summer, I had it in a bun most of the season.

Patience was been key during this whole hair journey. I would have loved to stick to getting my hair long. But you know what...health is even better.  Does not make sense for me to have long unhealthy hair.

For those of you who have been on a real long hair journey, it's okay. I am on one and look where I am now. Instead of giving up and being upset about never have long hair, I decided to shift my focus to wanting healthy hair.  And yes, I had moments of frustrations, moments where I wanted to chop my hair off and moments where I said that I did not care about this whole hair journey thing....those thoughts occupied my mind after I saw how damaging my hair started to become after the hair color. Right now, my focus is still the same to this day...HEALTHY HAIR.  Of course, a healthy diet, vitamins and water too.

I always say this, "A healthy head of hair will always turn heads no matter at what length."

Before Trim & After Trim
(My hair was not colored, the photos were taken at two different times of the day with flash.
The picture on the left is my natural hair color in the sun.)

Thanks for reading, enjoy the pics and we'll chat soon!

FAQ: "Should I Relax My Child's Hair?"

Before I get into why I did not or have not relaxed my daughter's hair, let us address the title to this blog post first.

When is a good age to relax a child's hair? I can not tell anyone that. That course of action is entirely up to the person. But I will say this, If you are not educationally ready or prepared to care for relaxed hair, do not do it.  If your daughter is not mature, is not responsible and old enough to understand what you have learned about caring for relaxed hair, don't do it. If your reasons include relaxing the hair to be a quick fix and a resolution to all, don't do it.

Just because there are relaxers marketed for young girls does not mean it is okay for them.  But consider the care after the relaxer treatment.  Plenty of times I have seen thinned out, severe breakage around the edges and matted hair on young beautiful girls.  It is obvious that the hair was not maintained or cared for properly.

No matter what you do with any type of hair (natural, relaxed, texturized); education, proper care, knowledge and understanding lead to a successful hair journey.

I have been on blogs, forums and facebook fan pages geared to children's hair care.  On several ocassions, the questions from mothers/caregivers wanting to relax their daughter(s) hair and should they comes up.  I have also received the same question a few times, although my daughter's hair is natural. The question is, Why? And I am not asking the question as to why do you want to put chemicals in her hair, obviously there is more to it.  But what are your reasons behind wanting to relax your child's hair?

Here are the reasons I have seen with the question above:

* It will save me time.
* It will be easier to manage the hair.
* It will show my child's hair length.
* It looks better.
* My daughter's hair is so "nappy". (I cringe at the word nappy.)
* Styling is easier with relaxed hair.
* She cries when I style her hair.
* I don't like her hair texture.
* I don't understand why her hair is not like my family's hair.
* The children at school make fun of her hair.
* She wants to be like her friends.
* Her father complains on how the hair looks.
* I want her to be like her friends.
* My family feels that she needs it.
* She is the only/few girls that are (insert racial background here) with afro hair and her classmates have straight hair.
* My friend's daughter's hair is relaxed and it is beautiful.
* My daughter cries because she feels different from every one.

These are just a few I have seen. Just a FEW! My thing is, the reasons above will be relevant to the person and makes sense to them...maybe not to me nor to you.  I know some of you are saying that some of the reasons are shallow.  But to the person, the reasons may be shallow...but valid, emotional or thoughtless to some. But it is what they truly feel, because they have to deal with their own situation at hand.

If you relax your child's hair, are you ready to care for it the way it should be cared for?  Did you do research to see what relaxed hair needs?  Did you consider how it will affect your child's developing scalp? Are you relaxed yourself, with a beautiful head of hair and plan on taking your daughter with you to get her hair done too (extra $$ spent)? Are you going to teach her how to care for it?

Now let us briefly talk about me.

My daughter, MadiMel, as you all know, has natural hair.  Am I planning to relax her? No.  Has the thought crossed my mind? Yes, before I started her natural hair journey (when mine started). I had my goal set on relaxing her hair when she turned 8,9 or 10 years old. My reasons were: Her hair was coarse, it was challenging to manage, thought it would look cute.  Basically, I just wanted to relax her hair and keep it moving.

Since she was a toddler, my train of thought was, How can I care for her hair now before I start relaxing it?  And guess what, I learned and conquered.  Since I educated myself and researched, there was and is no need for it.   It completely changed my mind about doing it at 8, 9 or 10 years old.  I just won't any more and you can see why.

And yes, she just turned 8 years old. I feel that she is young now and does not need it since I have done research to care for her natural hair while she was and is young.  She is extremely active, sits upside down to watch a show or movie, cartwheels, flips...she is too active.  If she decides to do it when she is much older and can afford it, I will share my techniques because I have been doing a decent job with my own relaxed hair.  She is currently learning how to care for her natural hair and she may just stick with it into her adult years.

Things to consider when relaxing your child's hair (some reiterated):

* The child's age
* Scalp sensitivity to chemicals
* Breakage if not cared for properly
* New growth
* Dryness
* Maintenance
* Time
* Knowledge is key, but will you put in the effort
* Money

Think about the things I mentioned above, before you make a big step as to relaxing your child's hair.

What other things would you say to someone who wants to relax their child's hair?
(Please be respectful within your comments below :-) )

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That Time of Year Again! Recitals, Weddings, Formals, Proms....(With Bun Video Tutorial)

It is about that time again for this season and school-end events (recitals, weddings, proms, formals) for many of our children.  For me, it is my daughter's dance recital.  She has been dancing for 4 years now and absolutely loves it.  This year, she will be in four different dance routines during the recital in June.  This week, was their professional photo shoot and that meant her hair had to be styled into a mandatory bun.

Each year, the requirement is to have the child's hair in a bun (for girls).   For some parents, it may be a challenge to do this depending on the hair the child has. There are many tools that cater to buns.  Such as the donut foam, sock bun, and other hair bun making tools.  Not everything works for every one and here are some reasons why:  short hair, fine hair, thin hair, thick hair, long hair.  Depending on the hair, you need to have something to accommodate what needs to be achieved.  From talking to several parents of all races that bring their to the same dance schools, many face various challenges: coarse hair, short/thick hair, long/thick hair, layered hair, long/thin hair, short/thin hair, curly hair....so many!

MadiMel has thick, coarse and dense hair.  Her hair is mostly coily and a small area where it is a little loose with small waves.  Straightening her hair could have been an option, but I choose and chose not to do that.  From the years since she has been dancing and received the hair style requirement, I have never used heat but opted for another option.  Going heatless.

If she already had a style on her hair such as cornrows and/or twists, I simply take her hair down (after each twist and cornrow), finger detangle and then use a Denman brush to make the hair more manageable.  Considering that her hair was previously styled, her hair would be more likely be stretched out.  Less work but just detangling that would consume my time.

If I shampooed or cowashed, towel dry as much as I can, put her hair into 4 jumbo twists/plaits or loose french braids to let it airdry after moisturizing it.  That also helps to stretch the hair (other ways: conrows, twists, banding, african threading).

Once her hair is dried, I take her hair down.  Her hair is a bit more stretched where it becomes manageable and takes so much less time to style.  And again, I also make sure her ends are well moisturized since that part of the hair, the ends, are the oldest and vulnerable to dryness.

If heat is a plan for you to straighten the hair:

*Be sure that you use a heat protector
*Do not flat iron the hair while wet
*Using too much product(s) and flat ironing may burn the hair and cause damage
*Use the lowest heat setting possible that will just do the job for your child's hair
*To avoid going over the hair several times with the flat iron, use a comb with it to help keep the hair aligned
*Moisturize the hair well - this will restore the dryness the heat caused

Here is a video on the bun I do on her hair for her recital (and other times).
The video was recorded back in Spring 2012.  Since it is the time for various events, several people had asked me for a video like this.  I thank you!



We'll chat soon and have a blessed and wonderful weekend!

-Sdestra

Hair and Make Up: Celebrating My Wedding Anniversary

Husband and I at Ocean Prime in Atlanta

My husband and I have been married for eight years now!!!  Yay!  And with God's presence, it has been an amazing journey for us.  With two children and the both of us being silly at times, there is never a dull moment here at all.  What is the secret?  Keeping God as a focus and every thing will fall into place in all aspects of a marriage/relationship.  Also reinventing yourself in a way where you will surprise and amaze one another by the things you do, changing your look, doing something out of the ordinary and stimulating a different kind of spark.  It is fine if you love each other just the way you both are, but do not be afraid to add a twist to make it things memorable. 



Our wedding anniversary was during the week and we celebrated during the weekend.  He presented me with delicate roses, a silly card and a special gift (not ready to share that just yet.)  I was surprised and confused at first, but it was a promise he kept for several years although I told him that he did not have to.  But, I will share that it was as if I was proposed to all over again...lol!


For dinner, we went to Ocean Prime in the city of Atlanta Saturday evening. Food was great, beautiful and classy atmosphere and the service was very efficient!  It was a perfect way to start off our evening before we go to other "hot spots" in the city.

Let us get into my look for this past Saturday evening.

Before (Day) and After (Evening):
Photos were taken at two different times of the day

Hair

* Co-washed my hair early Saturday morning and let it air dry with the leave-ins: ApHogee Pro Vitamin Leave-In and ApHogee Keratin & Green Tea Restructurizer

* Air dry up to 90%

* Grabbed large sections and ran the blow dryer up and down while on low heat. 

* Flat ironed my hair, running it one time down the length of my hair using Fantasia IC Heat Protector Straightening Serum

* I clipped my ends (just a little bit) but was not aiming to even it out.

* Then I wrapped my hair, tied it down with a scarf.


Face

As far as my make-up goes, I barely did anything in my opinion.  Honestly, I do not use foundation, concealers, etc all over my face.  I have not had issues with breaking out or anything, but my skin feels clogged if I do so.  I have skin moles gifted to me through hereditary by my beautiful mom, but I do not go out the way to cover them up. But I definitely love to accentuate my features.

* To moisturize my face, I used Neutrogena Healthy Defense SPF 50 Daily Moisturizer

* Filled in my eyebrows with NYX 903 Dark Brown and shaped around it using MAC Studio Tech NC45 (very lightly) so I can flawlessly blend it with my natural skin tone

* Lightly brushed MAC Mineralize Skinfinish (dark) around my eyes, forehead and chin - that evens my skin good enough

* I used colors from two different BH Cosmetics Color Palettes for my eye lids, colors starting from a shimmery lavender shade, to pewter, to charcoal.  NYX Liquid Eyeliner and Cover Girl Great Lash Mascara

* Lips: MAC Lipstick (Fresh Moroccan), MAC Lip Pencil (Chestnut) and MAC Lip Glass (Restless)

Thanks for reading!

-Sdestra

Quick Update: Laziness with Hair

A few weeks ago I vented talked about how I had gotten so lazy with my hair.  I just did not want to or felt like dealing with it at all.  We all get like that some times, right?  My hair felt as though it needed deep penetrating moisture. It was not dry nor brittle, but it did not feel "normal" for my standards. That weekend after my last blog post, I prepooed, washed, deep conditioned and air dried my hair.  All I have been doing were protective styles since then: french braid (my fave), bun & braid outs.  I have not applied any type of heat to the hair which I will definitely benefit from; thickness and fullness.   I have been keeping up with moisturizing especially my hair edges since those areas tend to be the area that deal with a lot of stress.  I also have been cowashing like I used to and now my hair feels pretty normal again!

Here's a recent photo of a semi failed braid out.  One section looked straighter than others...but I made the best of it and brought that to the back of my ear.

Photo from Instagram: @Sdestra